9 unexpected sights you’ll see on a trip to San Francisco: Part 1

When you come to San Francisco, the locals know you’re a tourist because you call it “San Fran.” We point you toward Ghirardelli Square and tell you how great the chowder is on Pier 39, and how the seals came back to hang out at the pier this year so there probably won’t be an earthquake anytime soon. We don’t tell you about the other sights you’ll surely see when you’re here.

But today, I am going to. These are local treats that you can almost surely expect to witness on a trip to our fine city by the bay. Don’t miss a single one if you want to go back to Michigan, New Jersey, or Kansas a changed person, and truly “Leave your heart in San Francisco.”

Here are the first 5.

Other tourists in “I Heart San Francisco” sweatshirts. People think California means Los Angeles. When they get here, the fog sinks into their Hawaiian shirts and they are glad they followed our recommendation for that chowder on Pier 39. The next step is buying an XXL San Francisco sweatshirt. You know, to be stylish.

Real zombies. People say zombies are things of fiction until they come to SF. You smell them before you see them – groaning, stumbling, dried-up beings with tattered clothing and curled-up fingers. They stand on street corners and ask you for money, ride in the front seats of bus routes and pee on the seats, and rant and rave at invisible ghouls on street corners. The city calls them “homeless,” but don’t be fooled. They’re the undead, and they’re bussed in from smarter cities who know that SF will take care of just about any kind of being.

Entire buses of people staring down at their laps and poking at the black-screen squares in their hands. In SF, everyone works at either Apple, Google, or Facebook. We are future-bound innovators, so we’ve done away with silly things like paper, speech, and awareness of what’s going around us. The best way you can connect with us is by using your iPhone while crossing the street and ordering coffee, just like we do. If you really want to blend in with the locals, take the 1 California bus home from the Financial District around 5:05 p.m. on a weekday. It will be a packed bus, but don’t worry about noise or jostling. It will be like starring in a silent movie as the only breathing actor. The other passengers will be mannequin-bots who move their hands in predictable motions, back and forth across black screens that blink and scroll constantly. That’s how we play it in SF.

Tents and tarps next to piles of trash. These are zombie dwellings.

A $300,000 car. Everyone in SF has tons of money, since we all work at Apple, Google, or Facebook, and all of our startup companies have recently gone IPO. So we kick around a few hundred G’s to get nice wheels. So as a tourist, after stopping at Applebee’s to grab lunch on Fisherman’s Wharf, you will likely look over and see a Ferrari, a Tesla, or a Lamborghini, stretched out in a parking spot like a cat sunning itself.  Don’t stare too much unless you’re wearing your “I Heart San Francisco” sweatshirt, and then you’ll get a free pass.

The rest of this list soon to come.

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