Funny

Okay, okay. I was wrong. I need a portfolio, and here it is.

Admissions of error are easier swallowed with a donut.

Admissions of error are easier swallowed with a donut.

After writing an entire post about not needing a portfolio, I made one. It’s a bit sparse right now, but it will grow as things get pushed out over the next few months.

There you go, haters. Now I’m off to smell the rain that has gloriously touched down in California today, curl up with a cup of tea, and forget all of you.

(Except those of you who need a writer. I’ll listen to anything you say.)

On another note, I’m currently enamored with this artist. Suits the rain quite well, or a drive at night on a lonely road.

9 unexpected sights you’ll see on a trip to San Francisco: Part 2

After Alcatraz with the kids, you’ll need a breather. Chill out with this fun list of sights in San Francisco that aren’t on Tripadvisor – and that every SF trip must include. If you don’t see at least one of these, you should ask Priceline for a refund on your hotel stay.

Poodles in strollers. These are not injured, visually impaired, or agoraphobic poodles. They are poodles with bows in their hair and sometimes wearing lace dresses, sitting erect and silent in baby strollers, being pushed down city streets. So far, it’s always an older Chinese lady doing the pushing. I have yet to get a photo of this myself, but this is what it typically looks like.  I have yet to stop one of these ladies and ask exactly why their dog requires a driver.

Two or three dudes talking about their latest startup. “The codeframe and DTRV are all done, and we’ve got VC backing from John Doerr,” one will say. “Oh? What’s your startup’s name?” The other will ask. Invariably, the answer will be a two-syllable non-word that says absolutely nothing about their product or what the company actually does. The name will have very few vowels, or it will have misplaced ones: blinkr, wynd, or bundit are all great startup names. (Protip: These are still available. That’s your free business advice for the day.)

Random protests. In New York, people love bagels. In San Francisco, we love protests. We protest everything here – the mayor’s decision and indecision, the lack of health care for our pets, capitalism of any kind, and bad Yelp reviews. If you’ve come here to protest something, in a matter of days you’ll find your niche folks chanting slogans and marching down sidewalks in coordinated T-shirts. Make sure to protest during commuter rush hour so your visibility will be highest, and block as many intersections as possible to get sympathy for your cause. Can’t think of anything to protest? Just protest somebody else’s protest.

Lots and lots of Mac computers. SF people are on their Mac computers in the park, in restaurants, and quite possibly on the freeway. This is because anything worth using, reading, or seeing is created on a Mac, the most elegantly designed piece of art in the universe. Like this blog post, which is such an elegant piece of art because it was created on the most magical unicorn of technology of all time, the MacBook Air. If you don’t have a Mac, you can still fit in by name-dropping Apple in a cooler coffee shop like Blue Bottle or Ritual Roasters. Nobody will look up, but your street cred account will be full and you can move on to Coit Tower. (Protip: Make sure you know where these coffee shops are before you visit the city. Asking anyone will make you look like a tourist. If you forgot to plan ahead, just walk in any direction until you see a lot of white, very clean 30-somethings standing around an unmarked awning looking smug. You can tell the coffee shop is legit and cool if they hand-stamp their logo onto their cups.)

If you liked this list, let me know and I’ll continue it. There are plenty more things you’ll see on your trip – and some things you definitely will not.

9 unexpected sights you’ll see on a trip to San Francisco: Part 1

When you come to San Francisco, the locals know you’re a tourist because you call it “San Fran.” We point you toward Ghirardelli Square and tell you how great the chowder is on Pier 39, and how the seals came back to hang out at the pier this year so there probably won’t be an earthquake anytime soon. We don’t tell you about the other sights you’ll surely see when you’re here.

But today, I am going to. These are local treats that you can almost surely expect to witness on a trip to our fine city by the bay. Don’t miss a single one if you want to go back to Michigan, New Jersey, or Kansas a changed person, and truly “Leave your heart in San Francisco.”

Here are the first 5.

Other tourists in “I Heart San Francisco” sweatshirts. People think California means Los Angeles. When they get here, the fog sinks into their Hawaiian shirts and they are glad they followed our recommendation for that chowder on Pier 39. The next step is buying an XXL San Francisco sweatshirt. You know, to be stylish.

Real zombies. People say zombies are things of fiction until they come to SF. You smell them before you see them – groaning, stumbling, dried-up beings with tattered clothing and curled-up fingers. They stand on street corners and ask you for money, ride in the front seats of bus routes and pee on the seats, and rant and rave at invisible ghouls on street corners. The city calls them “homeless,” but don’t be fooled. They’re the undead, and they’re bussed in from smarter cities who know that SF will take care of just about any kind of being.

Entire buses of people staring down at their laps and poking at the black-screen squares in their hands. In SF, everyone works at either Apple, Google, or Facebook. We are future-bound innovators, so we’ve done away with silly things like paper, speech, and awareness of what’s going around us. The best way you can connect with us is by using your iPhone while crossing the street and ordering coffee, just like we do. If you really want to blend in with the locals, take the 1 California bus home from the Financial District around 5:05 p.m. on a weekday. It will be a packed bus, but don’t worry about noise or jostling. It will be like starring in a silent movie as the only breathing actor. The other passengers will be mannequin-bots who move their hands in predictable motions, back and forth across black screens that blink and scroll constantly. That’s how we play it in SF.

Tents and tarps next to piles of trash. These are zombie dwellings.

A $300,000 car. Everyone in SF has tons of money, since we all work at Apple, Google, or Facebook, and all of our startup companies have recently gone IPO. So we kick around a few hundred G’s to get nice wheels. So as a tourist, after stopping at Applebee’s to grab lunch on Fisherman’s Wharf, you will likely look over and see a Ferrari, a Tesla, or a Lamborghini, stretched out in a parking spot like a cat sunning itself.  Don’t stare too much unless you’re wearing your “I Heart San Francisco” sweatshirt, and then you’ll get a free pass.

The rest of this list soon to come.